How to survive a bad horror movie

 

With Halloween rapidly approaching and Saw V finally coming to theaters this Friday, I figure now is as good a time as ever to address my favorite movie genre - Horror. To say I love horror movies in a major understatement. B-rated, J-horror, the classics, the good, the bad, the ugly - if it’s supposed to be scary (although a lot of them aren’t), I’ll watch it. Over the past few years I’ve dedicated myself to becoming a horror movie buff extraordinaire. My favorite sub-genres are psychological horror and J-horror (Japanese horror films), so if you’d like any recommendations feel free to ask.

Now, I’ll get to the main point of this post. Two summers ago my friends and I started compiling a list of “tips” for anyone who may ever find themselves living out what feels like a crappy horror movie. All of the tips are inspired by craptastic horror movies (thank you horror fest 2006), and yes hilarity ensued throughout the entire process. And now, for your reading pleasure I will share with you some my favorites from the ever growing list:

1. Don’t go into the basement library.

2. The light bulb is fine and the wiring isn’t bad, the flickering lights mean gtfo!

3. Be subtle, stop screaming so much.

4. The bad guy can shuffle at speeds greater than 40 mph.

5. Stay in the light!

6. Stay out of the light!

7. Don’t take the back way, or any shortcuts that involve sketchy-ass trails or non-paved roads.

8. That gas station attendant who appeared out of nowhere?  Yeah, don’t let him look at your engine and don’t take his directions he is (one of) the killer(s).

9. Don’t try to save your screaming friends.

10. If it is plainly obvious that evil spirits/monsters are entering this realm through any specific device or type of object, rid yourself of any of these things.  This includes your damn cell phone.

11. The power failure is never an act of nature.

12. Seriously, you probably are the killer.

13. Don’t forget to wear lingerie – it may make the difference between being in the sequel or not.

14. Kill the guy first, then try to escape.

15. Don’t just stand around looking hot, deliver the finishing blow!

16. HE’S NOT DEAD YET, FINISH HIM OFF!

17. Sobbing uncontrollably = giant bulls-eye

18. If you see something moving in the mirror, it’s the killer.

19. Don’t play dead – it’s just foreshadowing.

20. He’s so in the van.

21. Don’t play truth or dare.

22. Radio for help, then blindly charge into imminent death.

23. If you can’t see your friends, they’re probably already dead.

24. If the police arrive at the last second, you’re still screwed.

25. She’s running in the opposite direction for a reason.

26. It is not “hot” to hook up when you’re in mortal danger.

27. At least not usually.

28. If we haven’t seen you on screen in five minutes, you’re probably dead (sex pending), or the killer. Or both

29. That fat kid from The Sandlot is more devious than he looks (this is a specific reference to Dark Ride - if you’re looking for a laugh I  highly recommend it).

30. Let it go – following the truck that almost ran you over will not result in you pwning the n00b who missed you.

31. The ominous strings in the background mean the killer/monster is right behind you.  Don’t take the time to turn and look, just run like hell.

32. Always respect the natives.

33. Don’t touch anything.

34. None of it is a coincidence.

35. Stay together, didn’t you learn anything from Scooby Doo?!

36. If the killer doesn’t know where you are, and checks the room you’re hiding in without finding you… STAY PUT!! 

37. Leave the area of death/bodies/dead fetuses/miscellaneous body parts.

38. Turn off your cell phone ringer.

39. When involved in a game where your life, or those of others is at stake, put aside your grudges and just play!

40. If I were you, I’d start appreciating the small things in life.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008 at 12:22 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Tags: about me, halloween, horror, movies

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Comments

	Jim Robert 25 October 2008, 1:15 pm
Let me know how that goes… also be more controversial I want to see a FLAME WAR at christinewho!

	Christine 25 October 2008, 2:57 pm
Yeah well, I’ve been waiting 2 weeks for an update at DBP mister! O snap.

	travis 26 October 2008, 12:21 pm
Hey, this is a really great site. I was wondering, what horror movies would you recommend? The kind of horror movie that would scare the crap out of anyone. Thanks

	Christine 26 October 2008, 3:44 pm
Thanks Travis! Here are a few I really like: 1. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0235198/- This is a J-horror movie I finally got around to seeing a couple weeks ago. It takes a lot to scare me these days, but this movie was super creepy without being too over the top. It might be a little hard to find (I found it on netflix) but it’s definitely worth seeing. 2. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0452702/ - The realism of Vacancy is what really got to me. The fact that it isn’t too farfetched makes me think something like the events in this movie could actually take place and to me that’s more terrifying than all the vampires and zombies in the world. But yeah, this one will have you on the edge of your seat. 3. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114369/ - One of my all time favorites. I tend to love psychological horror especially when it involves serial killers. This movie is creepy, exciting, and the ending doesn’t disappoint. 4. Saw, Saw II, Saw III, Saw IV, and Saw V. The Saw movies will always be among my favorite horror movies. The script writing is incredible, and there’s nothing I love more than twist endings. The first Saw is one of the greatest horror movies to come along in a while and the rest of them actually don’t suck either. I saw the fifth one yesterday and I wasn’t disappointed.

	Jim 28 October 2008, 12:16 am
The life of female characters varies inversely with their breast sizes.

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